Hands up: who’s child uses a lot of delay tactics? Maybe at bedtime, often when you are trying to get them to leave the house, or someone elses house?
YEP.
This was what caused a lot of parental frustration for us when my daughter was around 4/5. It was always “I just need to…” or getting dressed very sssssss.lllllll.ooooooo.wwwwww.llllllll.yyyyyyyyyy…..
Remember, always try to be curious! What is really going on behind this? Because I am very sure they don’t actually want to miss the fun activity you have planned, or take 345 years to put on their left sock.
All behaviour is communication.
This is what bedtimes used to look like for us. Books. The agreed amount was 4. Did we ever read 4? No. Because she would moan and cry that she wanted just one more. But it was never just one more! And because of my own hang ups about her being upset = my fault, I always gave in. (I’ve worked through that now!)
Then – getting changed into pajamas. She turned into a sloth with jelly for legs. Honestly. I have never known anything more frustrating!
Then brushing teeth. This almost finished me off most nights! I often left the room and let her dad take over because… well… ugh.
Then let me tell you about ANY time we tried to leave the house. Or someone elses house. There were suddenly 675 things that were REALLY important that needed to be done. And if they didn’t get done, then it was like we were torturing her.
Needless to say, the years of 4 and 5 were hard for us.
Then, one day, someone said to be ‘what if you met these delay tactics with humour?‘. And it kind of changed everything for us.
I realised after a night of being silly and funny with her that this made everything easier and more fun! I realised that when I was going into this routine bracing for what I knew was to come, she fed off that energy and just wanted MORE connection.
Let me tell you what I think was going on.
- Her delay tactics at bedtime were a cry for connection.
- Her delay tactics when leaving the house were a way of saying ‘I don’t really know what to expect and this is my safe place’
- My energy in these transitions were feeding her discomfort
- The boundaries I put in place were constantly being broken… by me
- All behaviour is communication – whether they can articulate what’s going on or not. Because they often can’t!
I’m not afraid to admit now (I would have been a year ago but I have compassion for myself now!) that I would often go down the route of saying things like ‘I’m leaving without you!’ or ‘If you don’t get dressed now, I am going to leave the room and you can do bedtime on your own!’
Ooooooh how these statements were unhelpful for her still developing brain.
Saying that you are leaving without them only fuels that feeling of fear about the unknown and what is happening next. What they so desperately need in this situation is for us to explain to them what is about to happen and support them through it. It’s normal for them to feel like this. I get it, it’s frustrating, but there are ways to work with our little people, not against them.
Similarly, threatening to leave the room at bedtime was also fueling her discomfort. The bedtime shenanigans were simply her crying out for more quality, focussed time with me. She wasn’t ever trying to be annoying, she just wanted LOVE. That’s all they want, and you can never give them enough of it.
Also, there was another big mistake I was making. Set firm, fair boundaries and stick to them. Why? Because in those boundaries, children know what’s going on. When they know what’s going on, they feel safe. So, we started sticking to the 4 book routine. Did she like it? Not at the beginning. But being firm and fair meant that she knew what to expect and this was no longer and issue for either of us.
So, having upped the humour and fun, I had also upped the connection and reduced the delay tactics. Upping the routine and talking to her about what expect, meant that leaving a place became easier. Not easy, but easier.
Everyone gets to win here. No power struggle needed.
Do you have a child behaving like this? Let me know below! Or why not continue the conversation by sending me a message, or coming to find us on Facebook!